Hi, I’m Amanda.  My biggest fears are disappointing people and not being good enough.
Hi epic friends!  

It’s been awhile!  Karissa and I have had some incredible adventures, life changing moments, and soul searching growth during the fall and winter and we can’t wait to tell you all about it!  We have our next Creating Your Epic Life podcast guest lined up and we’re excited to introduce you to her next month!  Keep an eye out for some fun and informative videos coming your way via Instagram and our website: creatingyourepiclife.com

In the meantime, I want to share some deeply personal thoughts and feelings with you and hope that they inspire you to do the same with the people in your life.  The world needs more connection, openness, vulnerability, acceptance, and love.  Let’s be the change!   

4 minute read

I would like to start off this letter with a disclaimer: I welcome feedback on how this post has inspired you towards self reflection, positive change, understanding, empowerment, and any other feedback relating to you, your life, and your relationships.  Questions, comments, etc.  

I do not welcome feedback on how great I am or how I don’t need to worry about the things I am sharing.  I am not a victim and I am not sharing these thoughts and feelings to receive affirmation.  This is an exercise in vulnerability.  I appreciate all of the incredibly loving and supportive people in my life and I know you will want to comment.  I love you unconditionally and I cherish that same feeling from you.  

Hi, I’m Amanda.  My biggest fears are disappointing people and not being good enough.  I am working on not giving a fuck about what other people think.  It’s really hard.  I want to believe that the people I care about will still care about me even if I am not perfect or exactly what they want or expect me to be.  That hasn’t always been my experience and I am trying to be okay with that.  

I tend towards laziness and procrastination both of which cause me anxiety.  I realize this is ridiculous because I have control over these habits and can therefore mitigate my anxiety with fairly minimal effort.  Staying in the moment and keeping a daily routine of yoga, surfing, working, and learning are imperative to my well being.  I understand this about myself and need to not compromise under any circumstances.  

Recognizing and sharing my feelings is an area of life in which I struggle daily.  I am trying to be more in tune with my true feelings and be bluntly honest with people curbing my usage of humor and euphemism as ways of camouflaging or avoiding my feelings.  

Saving money is a skill I do not possess.  My budget has been to not spend more than I have before I get paid again.  This is not a sustainable way to live and I am working to change my relationship with my finances.  I do not want to worry or stress over money but am working on learning to be more mindful and responsible.  

I am self-conscious about my silver hair and obsess over my muscle tone and weight.  Despite receiving compliments on these attributes, I find myself worrying if my hair makes me look old and if I won’t be attractive if I don’t have a tight ass, flat stomach and toned arms.  

I obsessively count things or just count to myself in my head almost constantly.  I think this would drive most people insane but I have come to realize it calms my mind and allows me to focus more fully.  I have tried to stop this odd behavior several times throughout my life but have come to embrace it as a coping mechanism and part of who I am, weird as it is. 

I am competitive to a fault and compare myself to others in almost every aspect of life.  If I don’t win or am not the best at something, I fear people will think I am unworthy or incapable.  I am working on being content with myself and taking pleasure in the doing and not the outcome in all things.  Just have fun for the sake of fun!  

As I stated in the beginning, this is an exercise in vulnerability.  I struggle with vulnerability and expressing how I truly feel even to those I love most.  In the baby steps I have been taking, I find that when I embrace vulnerability and open up to others they feel comfortable doing the same with me allowing our relationships to grow stronger and more bonded and fulfilling.

If you struggle with vulnerability, try this exercise.  Be completely honest with yourself and write a letter expressing some of your most vulnerable thoughts and feelings.  Even the act of writing them down lifts the weight of shame off your shoulders and frees you to embrace yourself and start growing in areas you would like to change.  Start sharing little bits of your letter with others and watch how they open up to you as well.  

After writing this letter, I researched tools to embrace vulnerability and found this incredibly poignant and powerful TED talk by Brené Brown called Power of Vulnerability.  I was crying by minute five.  

Two little nuggets I took away from Brené’s talk:

Courage: to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart

We are all imperfect and we are all worthy of love and belonging.

Until next time, stay EPIC!

<3 Amanda